To avoid or not to avoid
Choice over matter
This feeling of time flying is a nightmare for those who postpone, all the time, the most important things they have to do for their evolution—
that is, engage in the truth of their experience.
I’m not here to talk about others.
I’m here NOW to simply write about my discoveries.
How amazing—
I didn’t even finish writing that sentence before I was already distracted by some bullshit notification.
This hiding, this running away, this “not now,” this pretended contentment—
I know them well.
I’ve been practicing them for decades.
Today, I intend to walk another path, an unknown path—
A path where I agree and give myself permission not to control anything.
A path where I want to be curious, to explore without any preconceptions, presuppositions.
A path where I open to the process, trusting my capabilities to…
Wow.
I got stuck finding that next word.
I stopped the free flow of writing—
Because being capable of… is a big one for me,
An old, ingrained wound.
Tears want to come, so I’m breathing.
Deeply breathing.
And this is it.
I didn’t intend to go there.
This is exploring the new path.
Letting the words flow and seeing where they lead me.
And accepting that I don’t control—
But my body does.
When my body stops and my breath is held—
Here is a sign, a signal for me to stop and pause and breathe.
And yes, what comes is not pleasant.
I feel so tense.
I am paying attention to my tendency, right now, to avoid that feeling.
I feel cold.
My hands are shaking.
What the hell am I trying to avoid?
Am I afraid of my own power to transcend this lingering pain?
Am I afraid of the secrets buried deep down — because of shame, guilt, fear, confusion?
I feel dizzy.
I’m yawning.
Holding my breath again.
Air.
Lots of air.
Shivering.
Where is my fire?
I feel so cold, inside and outside.
Yawning again.
I feel a void at my root chakra, like I’m not held—
Like I could fall apart.
Here lies my weak point: my roots, and all that they encompass.
Where is my solid ground?
Where is my safety?
Now these words invite a wave of water— Tears.
And air. Lots of air.
Painful air.
Breathe, dear One. Breathe…
Yawning…
Dizziness…
A pain in my chest, suddenly,
As I wanted to write:
Who am I capable of becoming once I find my ground again?
A safe ground to grow!
“The truth is the only safe ground to stand on.”
— Elizabeth Cady Stanton
I’m ready to explore and reclaim my Fire.
Reclaim my Truth.
Reclaim my Creativity.
Reclaim my Joy.
Because this lingering pain, this avoidance, is destroying my life—
My beautiful, powerful self, and those I love.
As of now, I’ve not avoided that one.
Yet I didn’t fully dive into it—
Becoming aware, though, of what is stopping my process to freedom…
So what I try to avoid is owning that dark secret.
A knife in my sternum right now.
And a heavy, heavy pelvic floor.
What does the heaviness hold? What’s stored there?
There’s something here. I feel it. That’s enough for now.